


Merry Christmas, Miss Miracle

by MirrorKing96



Series: Miss Miracle [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 23:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13351743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirrorKing96/pseuds/MirrorKing96
Summary: Iris' Christmas confession to Barry, from her perspective, because Miss Miracle is months late and I owe you guys.





	Merry Christmas, Miss Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> A short snipper cause I owe you guys. This goes with chapter 6 of the story.

 

She can’t stop crying.

It’s been three hours, and her patrol is done, and she managed to get through the meeting with Dr. Wells, Chesca and Colin where they all agreed that maybe she shouldn’t be Miss Miracle for a while because of the task force. She even got through the shame of that, even though of course they’re still not mad at her – it was Rainbow Raider that did that to her, that made her attack everyone. Even though they really should be, because she yelled at Chesca and she snapped at Dr. Wells and she was _vicious_ to Colin even though he was just trying to help her. She was even mean to Freddie and she would have killed Olivia if they hadn’t stopped her. And Patty. And Barry, god-

Iris lies back in her bed, the tears that haven’t stopped coming tracking down her cheeks and onto her pillow as her laptop blares in the background, and pulls off her glasses. She made it through the next couple of days, too, apologising to everyone at the precinct and Olivia and Freddie, and even through Barry’s gentle concern and Nora’s motherly warmth and Patty offering the name of a decent spa that were doing a deal tonight so maybe she could get some relaxation or something? And maybe, um, they could go together? As friends?

She’d refused, politely, saying that spas weren’t really her thing, but that she appreciated the offer. Honestly, Detective Patty Spivot must think that Iris hates her, and she doesn’t blame her. Patty invites her to everything, from drinks at the end of the shift to the bowling games that the cops have going with the detectives, even though she’s just a CSI and she never usually gets invited to that stuff. Most of the people like her and think that she’s nice enough, but she knows that more than a few of them think of her as the loopy girl who believes in things like giant sharks. She usually just ends up hanging out with Barry when that happens. Eventually, while they were looking for Toni Woodward, Patty admitted why she kept asking. Iris had been in the middle of her fight with Barry and she wasn’t really in any mood to talk.

“Right,” she’d said. “Sorry. I just – I know you and Barry are close, and I wanted to see whether I could help. I gotta admit, I was kind of threatened by you.”

Iris had blinked at her. “You were threatened by me,” she repeated flatly.

“Yeah. I mean, Barry…you mean the world to him. I just wanted you to like me. You’re his best friend, you know? You probably get final say on stuff like girlfriends,” she’d joked.

Which was something, she supposed. But there was a reason she hadn’t gone tonight.

The tears come fresh again, at his disappointment, his words, his _face_ …Barry had never been that mad at her in life _ever_ , not in the entire time that they’d been friends. And the worst part that she deserved it, every bit of his feeling that she let him down, because it was her fault. This was karma. Not just because she threatened his girlfriend and probably scared the living daylights out of him, but because of what she did before.

The flirting and the flying and the meeting him at all hours of the night on rooftops. Letting him help with her superhero stuff and protecting him when he did, and then refusing to talk to anyone but him. She wasn’t just the dork that her best friend never noticed anymore, she was the sexy superhero that he looked at with amazement and wonder and that he wrote about because of how much he believed in her. She _loved_ that Barry looked at her like that, from that very first time when he ditched their bar hangout to go see her fly up a building for the first time, with that awe. She’d been trying to get him to look at her like that for years, and now it was effortless. He blushed when he saw her. He blew off Patty for her, and he got mad when people disparaged her. She was on his damn three list, for crying out loud.

Iris knows she was dumb to think it would last, though. Not just because Colin told her – repeatedly – not to get involved. But because she knew, deep down, that Barry wasn’t really seeing _her_. He was seeing Central City’s protector do amazing things. He was still dating Patty and he still didn’t see her as any more than a friend, to the point where whenever she brings Freddie up in conversation Barry just says he’s an idiot for wanting to date Olivia Queen over her. But she got high on his admiration and his crush on Miss Miracle, so she let herself be carried away by Barry looking at her with stars in his eyes.

Until tonight.

She didn’t think he would come up to their spot, but he did, and Iris knew right then that Barry wouldn’t ever forgive Miss Miracle. His face had been closed and he could barely look at her the entire time they were on the roof, apart from when he stared straight into her eyes and told her not to contact him anymore. Then she watched him leave, before she teleported straight home and ripped off her suit because the tears were working their way up her throat and she didn’t think she could stomach going back to STAR Labs. She’d collapsed on her bed and sobbed, because the love of her life hated the best part about her – no, _feared_ it, and so did the rest of the city. Chesca texts her to turn on the news and to tell her to lie low, and that starts her off again because the mayor really wants to capture her and so does that Eddie Thawne guy. She’s so upset that she almost doesn’t hear the phone ring. When she looks at the screen, her heart almost completely gives.

 _Barry_.

It’s Tuesday night – she should be at Nora’s because it’s Barry’s turn to make dinner. She’d promised that she would be there, even if it meant facing Patty too. But after she tried to kill them both, and with Barry’s hurt, hostile face still imprinted on her brain, she told Nora to tell them she was sick. But she should have known Barry would call – he always did.

Iris wipes her eyes, but the news keeps blurting out facts about how they’re going to capture her and it makes her throat close up. Barry isn’t going to give up – he’ll just text Chesca or Colin and ask how she is. And if he doesn’t find out, he’ll blow off dinner and come to her apartment. She knows it was hours since he – kind of? There’s no real way to define what was between the two of them while she was wearing that mask – dumped her, but it still feels fresh and she _cannot stop crying_ -

“H-Hello?” she gets out, sniffling.

“Iris?” he says immediately, and Iris hears the alarm and worry in his voice, the frown she knows has appeared on his face. “Are you – are you crying? What happened? What’s the matter?”

She tries for a breezy tone, even as her face crumples because his concern is making it worse. “Oh, God, Barry you’re such a worrier,” she laughs quietly through her tears. On her laptop screen, they’ve switched to the area where she attacked Barry and Patty. “Sorry I couldn’t make dinner. I just, um, I went to go visit my mom, and it made me a little sad, I guess, and I didn’t want to bring everyone down.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _…Miss Miracle likely will be prosecuted if and when she is captured_ …”

“Positive,” she nods, swallowing a sob before he hears it. Barry pauses and she can practically hear his mind working. He’s never been able to leave her alone when she’s crying. Every time she’s hurt, he always comes running.

“I can come over after dinner, if you-”

“No, that’s cool,” she says immediately, because she won’t be able to face him then, when he’ll hold her close and promise that everything will be alright, and she won’t be able to tell him anything. Not about being Miss Miracle, and not about how she feels about him, either. Ever since she got out of the coma and became Miss Miracle, her whole life with him has become a lie, because she can’t say it.

“It’s late,” she continues, “and I know you have classes tomorrow. We’ll hang out later, okay?”

“Sure.”

“… _most definitely have her identity revealed to the city_ …”

“Night, Bar,” she finishes, and he sighs.

“Iris, I’m not going to hang up on you when you’re upset. Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?”

“Barry, I promise I’m fine. I think I just need to…cry for a little bit. Um, I’ll be okay tomorrow.”

“Okay,” he says eventually, though she knows he still doesn’t believe her. “I’ll call you.”

“Great.”

“Night, sunshine.”

“Night, Bar.”

Iris hangs up then, because really, her heart can only take so much.

***

It’s odd to go to the precinct the next day. The world looks different – even though she’d only been Central City’s hero for a short while, it’s odd to know that the city looks at her differently now. Well, at Miss Miracle differently. She’s still the same Iris. She takes a deep breath and hoists her bag over her shoulder. Tim the security guy greets her with a nod and she smiles back, grateful that he accepted her apology with ease. Her heart sinks when she sees Captain Singh back from her conference, and the older woman comes over to her. Iris can’t remember what she said to the Captain, but Nora tells her it was bad enough to almost get her fired on the spot.

“West,” she says curtly. “You alright?”

“Yes, ma’am,” she says dutifully. “And I’m sorry, about-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Singh replies, waving a hand. “Nora explained to be about your…reaction. Everything okay?”

Iris takes a deep breath, ready with the lie that she and Nora agreed on. “I was getting down about my mom,” she says evenly, because even though it’s a lie today, it’s based on years of her childhood. “And I went to see my therapist, and I guess the medication she prescribed me didn’t mesh well with my…system. Anyway, I got checked out yesterday, and I’m fine.”

Captain Singh regards her and she tries not to fold her arms. She knows about Iris’ obsession with finding out the impossible, but she’s so good at her job that it hasn’t gotten her fired yet. Plus there’s Nora going to bat for her all the time. She faces the Captain with a measured stare, and the other woman nods. “Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” she says curtly. “See that it doesn’t happen again. You’ve got some case files waiting on your desk.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Iris finds enough work to get her through the weekend when she gets up there, and she’s fine with that. Usually she’d be itching to get it done so that she can go on patrol tonight, but she’s a public menace now. She’ll have to save the world through toxicology reports for now. She’s halfway through her first one when someone knocks on the door. “Come in!” she calls, and looks up, and her stomach twists.

Patty Spivot is nice. Patty Spivot is gorgeous, made almost entirely of legs and long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, which is why Nora still calls her “Model Behaviour”. Patty Spivot is one of the best detectives in their department. But most importantly, Patty Spivot is always, _always_ unfailingly nice to her, which makes it hard to hate her, because she’s dating the love of her life. Barry dated Audrey for a minute in high school, Jessica Cruz was the college girlfriend that, after she saw how Barry acted around Iris, avoided her for the rest of the time they were dating, and Becky Cooper was such a nightmare that even Nora shudders when they mention her.

But Patty’s different. She’s sweet and hardworking and loves Barry, and has been trying to get Iris to like her for two months. And honestly, she doesn’t deserve Iris’ coolness. She’s not mean, exactly – she’d never do that to Barry – but it’s not like she enjoys spending time with her. If she’s completely honest with herself, she’s kind of just waiting for them to break up. It’s odd, given that Iris, in a mind-controlled rage, tried to kill Patty a couple of days ago, and Patty tried to shoot her. Patty herself shows no signs of being shaken by the experience, but she supposes that’s what happens when you’re a cop. Iris smiles at her. “Morning, Patty. What brings you by?”

“You, actually,” she says, and Iris blinks.

“Me?”

“Yeah.” She gestures to the stool in front of her desk and Iris sees that she’s holding a coffee cup and paper bag in her hand. Iris motions for her to sit. “Barry told me you were feeling upset yesterday and that’s why you weren’t at dinner, so I brought you these. He said that you missed breakfast?”

Iris laughs quietly. Barry had called her from work this morning right as she was leaving her apartment – and, of course, she’d forgotten breakfast, like she did three times a week. She doesn’t know when Barry got the time to get Patty to get coffee and food over to her, but that was Barry. Always saving her, one way or another. “Americano, extra shot, and a cronut, extra heavy,” Patty says, and Iris shakes her head.

“Yeah, he’s… picked up on my habits,” she admits, laughing. She bites her cheek, looking at Patty. “Sorry I missed dinner, I hope I didn’t ruin it, distracting you guys like that-”

“Iris, please. You’ve…had a tougher time than most people, it’s fine.” She hesitates, choosing her words carefully. “Barry was really concerned, though, so I thought it must be something bad.”

“Oh. Oh, well you know Barry,” she replies, looking down. “He’s – he worries.”

“Right.”

“Because I’m his best friend.”

“Of course.”

Iris clears her throat. “So, anyway, thanks a lot for this. And I’m…really sorry about what happened to you guys. With Miss Miracle, I mean.”

Patty’s eyes harden. “Don’t be sorry, Iris. It’s not like it was your fault, and you tried to tell Barry it was dangerous. I’m just sad because he really loved writing about her, you know?” She pauses, and sighs. “And I have to admit, I was a little jealous.”

“Jealous?” Iris blurts out. “Of Miss Miracle? You?”

“Well, yeah. A little. She’s a superhero, you know? I think he had a crush on her.”

Iris resists the urge to hit something. The love of her life had a crush on her alter-ego, and his girlfriend was jealous of her. None of that mattered, of course, because now Barry didn’t trust her and Patty wanted her locked up. “Well, if I were Miss Miracle I’d be kicking myself right now,” she says. “Barry’s the only one who believed in her, and now she’s let him down.”

“Well, he still has us, right? We were Central City’s protectors way before she came along. Hey, so I wanted to ask you something. About Barry.”

Iris’ stomach plummets. The other thing with being in love with your best friend – everyone thinks you’re the Barry-whisperer. Which she supposes she is, especially because _nobody_ on the planet is as stubborn as that boy, but that doesn’t mean she enjoys it. It’s been years of “do you think Barry would like this dress?” and “how do I get Barry to ask me out?” and “did Barry ever tell you which of his girlfriends was the best kisser?” _Suck it up, West_ , she tells herself, _you tried to kill her. You owe her this_.

“Shoot,” she says out loud.

“Right, well, it’s Christmas really soon, and I just really wasn’t sure what to get him-”

“Oh,” Iris says, relieved. Anything to stop herself thinking about Barry and Patty exchanging gifts. “Oh, that’s easy. Barry’s not big into fancy stuff. Just get him something that you put some thought into. Besides, I’m sure he’ll…love whatever you get him.”

“What did you get him?”

“Now, that would be telling, Spivot,” she says, and she’s only half-joking.  She’s been making payments on Barry’s gift for almost three months, and today she gets to pick it up. She doesn’t want anyone else to know about it until Barry’s seen it. Besides, she knows for a fact that Patty probably wouldn’t approve of the gift she’s getting for Barry. Patty just laughs.

“Right. Thanks for the advice, Iris. And I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks, Patty.” Iris watches her leave and before sitting down, sipping her coffee and sighing.

Honestly, all of this would be much easier if Barry was dating Becky Cooper.

***

Barry Allen makes Iris West’s world stop.

She supposes that she should be used to it by now, but every time she sees him, it’s like she forgets the rest of the world exists. It’s been like that since they were kids – one look at him and she gets lost in his eyes, or his smile, or the way his face changes when he sees her. Like now, for example. She’s at Jitters for lunch and he’s still serving when she walks in, so he doesn’t see her at first, but she’s content to wait. Barry has never really been aware of the effect he has on her, much less other people, but she sees it all the time. His green eyes that change colour depending on the light, the reason green is her favourite colour (which after two decades of friendship, he still hasn’t guessed yet), and that crinkle when he smiles. The way he protects her from absolutely everything and makes all of her problems his without a second thought. And God, that smile – she used to sneak past Jitters on her morning patrol just to see Barry smile when he was working, and she could get lost in it forever-

“Iris!” he calls, spotting her. He turns that smile on her when he sees her, pulling an answering one out of her. He puts down the tray he’s carrying and walks towards her. She smiles back at him and opens her mouth to say hello, but Barry pulls her into a hug without another word, wrapping his arms around her.

“Hey, Bar,” she says.

“He, sunshine. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she replies easily, laughing. “Just been a…weird week.”

He lets go and peers at her. “Did you get the coffee?”

“I did, thanks for having Patty run it over. I was kinda running on empty for a while there. Are you busy? I was hoping we could have lunch or something, but if you’re busy-”

“No, it’s cool. I was actually going to find you, but you’re here, so…Tyler!” he calls, and his co-worker sticks his head out of the kitchen. “Hey, tell Sheila I’m taking my lunch now, alright?”

“Sure.”

“Great.” Barry turns back to her. “So order whatever you want, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Barry pulls off his apron and disappears into the locker room, and Iris walks up to the register to rattle off their lunch order. She orders for Barry as well, but when she gets out her purse to pay for her own lunch, Tyler shakes. “Nuh-uh, Iris,” he says, waving it away. “You know Allen covers your food.”

“Tyler, it’s fine,” she assures him. “My appetite is way bigger since I got struck by lightning. I don’t mind.” But Tyler just shakes his head.

“If Barry found out I was letting you pay for stuff, he’d hit me. Besides, with the amount you tipped me over the years? I owe you.”

She smiles gratefully at him and he reads out her order. “Alright, I’ll bring it over when it’s ready. Your boy’ll be out in a minute.”

“Oh, he’s not…” Iris says automatically, but Tyler has already walked off. She goes to find a table and Barry joins her once she’s gotten settled in. “Barry, you have to stop paying for my food, it’s too much-”

“Please, no it isn’t,” he says dismissively. “We just end up throwing half of this stuff out anyway. Besides, what use am I as a best friend if I can’t get you free food from work?”

“Right,” she smiles gratefully. “Thanks.”

“Of course. So,” he says, “sitting down, “are you feeling better?”

“Much. I think I just needed to cry it out, you know?” He studies her.

“Mom told me you went to your old therapist and took some of the medication she used to give you,” he says quietly. “And that’s why you were so upset at work.”

Iris glances down at her hands. Lying to Barry about her feelings has always been second-nature, but lying to him about being Miss Miracle is worse. Like she can’t even be herself around her best friend anymore. The whole thing is making her feel adrift, like she’s lost her anchor. “Yeah,” she sighs. “Yeah, it – I was just having a really bad…week, I guess.”

Barry purses his lips. The subject of Iris’ therapy is still a sore subject between everyone, given the years of shouting matches with Nora before she made her go to them and Iris hiding in her room for hours after she got back. Barry always hated those sessions and never hid the fact that he did. Sometimes Iris would come back in tears after those sessions, and then Barry would comfort her about them. She doesn’t go anymore, often, but she’s still there in the background, and she’s in Iris’ personnel file at work.

“I would have gone with you,” he says softly. “You didn’t have to go by yourself.”

“I know.” Then she tries for a light laugh. “God, Barry, you’re such a worrier.”

“Because you’re always worrying me,” he points out, but he’s laughing too. “You were so upset – I thought something happened to you.”

“It did,” she admits. “But I’m fine now, really.”

“Why didn’t you…tell me? About your week?”

“Barry, you have so much going on, with work, and school, and teaching, and Patty – I didn’t want to…be a burden.”

He opens his mouth to reply but then Tyler brings out all their food, and he rolls his eyes in exasperation at the amount of food Iris now has to eat. When he leaves, Barry is frowning at her. “Iris, there’s never going to be a time in my life when you would ever be a burden to me. You know I’d do anything for you.”

She feels like crying, for some reason. “I know. I know that,” she says quietly. She shrugs, shaking her head. “I don’t…I really didn’t-”

“Iris,” he interrupts, taking both of her hands in his. He gives her that look again, the one that can disarm her inside a minute – soft green eyes and open face. “I don’t know if it’s just because we haven’t been…hanging out as much, lately, but I kind of feel like there’s something you’re maybe not telling me? It’s fine if you don’t feel like talking,” he adds quickly. “I just wanted to remind you – you can talk to me about anything, alright? There’s nothing that you can’t tell me.”

 _I love you_.

She’s always wondered what would happen if she just admitted it. If she womaned up and said “I love you”, and all the things that went along with it. _You turn my world around_. _Your smile is the best part of my day_.

 _You’re the love of my life_.

When she’s in a good mood, it goes well. Maybe he’s surprised, or taken aback, or maybe even freaked out…but then he would tell her that he’d always loved her too, or that he also wanted to try something between them. Or he would just kiss her. But then when she’s feeling pessimistic, he’s utterly freaked out, doesn’t feel the same way, and is _so_ taken aback that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. And that – that’s the thing she’s really afraid of, because Barry is like her home, and she can’t lose him. The day she tried to make that leap, she got struck by lightning. If she tried again, she’s not sure the end result wouldn’t be worse. She looks at their hands, intertwined on top of the table.

“I…” she starts, and sighs again, adjusting her glasses. “I’m just really nervous about Christmas – you know how my mom wanted me to go see my dad’s parents?”

Barry nods, his face clearing. “Oh. Oh right, of course, your…family.”

“And I know they’ve always been _there_ , but they never wanted to take me in after my dad died, and they only really agreed because it’s been so long, you know? I mean, I haven’t seen them since I was a kid, I don’t even remember what they look like.”

It’s not a lie, exactly – she is worried about it. Her mother thinks that she deserves to know her father’s family, so she’s doing it as a favour to her. It’s just not the thing that’s bothering her. “You know you can still come with me and mom to stay with Great-Uncle Rudy,” Barry says to her as she starts eating her sandwich. “But you promised your mom. So, I’ll tell you what – I’ll drive you to the station, you go stay with them, and if it sucks, call me and I’ll come get you.”  

“You’re going to drive all the way to Keystone?”

“Hey, you are depriving me of my best friend at Christmas. With Great-Uncle Rudy, who I’m pretty sure is going to turn us into alcoholics this year.”

“Oh, god, his eggnog,” she laughs. “Remember what happened the Christmas that it snowed?”

“I don’t remember anything from that day, but I heard from mom that the snow angels we made were beautiful,” he replies dryly, making Iris giggle. “And that the neighbours loved our carolling.”

“Your mom was so mad at him,” she remembers.

“Yeah, because she had two wasted twenty-somethings who got drunk because he snuck his moonshine into my brownie mixture. I’d be mad too.”

Iris smiles at the memory. She can’t remember a lot of it either, she just remembers her and Barry being _really_ excited about Christmas and knocking on strangers’ doors to sing them songs. She had panicked, when she woke up with the hangover from hell the next day, thinking that maybe she’d accidentally blurt out how she felt, but Barry didn’t remember anything either. “I’m gonna miss the brownies,” she admits. “But it’s my turn to make them this year, right? Before I go to Keystone.”

“Yeah, I-” Iris’ phone buzzes and she looks at it. It’s an email from a jeweller uptown.

_Dear Miss West,_

_Your order of ENGRAVED WATCH AND FOUNTAIN PEN, GIFT-WRAPPED is now ready for collection. Please come with proof of I.D. and…_

“What’s up?” he asks, and she shakes her head. Barry has no idea about his present.

“Nothing, work stuff. Hey, what’s the Christmas movie we’re watching before you have to leave?”

“ _Home Alone_.”

“Oh, dude, really? I wanted to watch _Die Hard_!”

“Hey, I won the coin toss,” he shrugs. “You’re going to have to have yourself a merry little Christmas with John McClane next year.”

“ _Jackass_.”

“Nerd.”

***

Of course, when she _does_ give Barry his present about a week later, Patty clearly isn’t happy about it.

She’s pretty good at pretending she doesn’t have a problem with it, and she even offers to drop Iris off at STAR Labs when she comes by, but Iris can tell she isn’t happy. And, yeah, maybe a $500 watch and fountain pen set would possibly upstage the gift your best friend’s girlfriend got for him, but she’d been making payments on it for months. It was actually supposed to be his gift from _last_ year, but then she went ahead and got herself struck by lightning, so when Barry told the bank, they stopped her payments. Barry had loved it, though, and that was all that mattered, so-

“Yo, West!” Chesca calls, and Iris looks up from the treadmill to look at Chesca. “I said, thank Barry for the brownies and eggnog, they were great.”

“Oh,” she says faintly. “Oh, right.”

Chesca puts the iPad with her vitals down. “You okay?”

“Me?” Iris climbs down off the treadmill. They decided that she would stop being Miss Miracle for a bit since everyone was so scared of her, but that didn’t mean she should stop training. So Iris was here for one last session before the holidays, just some light training with Chesca, before she went to Keystone. “Fine.”

“No, you’re not. You have your “Barry” face on.”

“I don’t have a Barry face,” she says, and her friend rolls her eyes.

“Yes, you do. When you’re thinking about him. I’m your friend, I can tell. How are you…doing with that?”

“The same way I’ve always been doing,” she shrugs. “I love him, and he has no idea.”

“Do you ever think you should just tell him?”

Iris raises her eyebrows. “While he has a girlfriend?”

“So? Look,” she adds, “hear me out. You never told him you were in love with him. That’s one lie. You haven’t told him you’re Miss Miracle, and yeah, I like Barry, so I’d really rather he didn’t get caught up in all this, but that’s two lies. And now you’re pretending that you’re not in love with him, that you’re okay with him being in a relationship with someone that _you have to see every day_ , and that you have a double life. You’re not being fair to him.”

“Chess, I’m trying not to screw up his happiness,” she points out. “What, you think he’ll dump his girlfriend for me just because I finally told him? And what would Patty think of that? She would hate me, and I wouldn’t blame her.”

“It doesn’t matter what Patty thinks,” she says firmly. “She’s not your best friend; Barry is. Iris, that man sat here and waited for you to wake up for _months_. He was one of the only people who believed you would wake up, and what’s more, the only one who really believed that Snow, Dr. Wells and I could save you. You at least owe him the truth.”

Iris bites her lip. “I don’t know what’ll happen afterwards. I could ruin everything.”

“No, you don’t. But you’ve been living your life in love with him and he’s been oblivious – your relationship is unbalanced. Whatever comes next? It’ll be better.”

***

Iris isn’t sure she’ll get time to work while in Keystone, but she still heads back to the precinct to pick some up before the holiday. But then she glances at her noticeboard, the one with her father’s murder case on it. Dr. Wells has promised she would help, but apart from the fact that they know the woman who killed her dad and framed her mom has powers like her, they don’t have a lot to go on. She sighs, running a hand through her hair. She’s been following this case since she was a kid, but she honestly feels like it’s taunting her.

“Iris!”

She blinks and turns to see Barry. “Huh?”

He’s giving her a fond smile, no doubt used to her daydreaming. “I called your name like…” he glances at the board. “Your mom’s case.”

“Yeah,” she answers. “Everything from that night, plus every research article that explains how someone could theoretically control someone’s mind. Lately I haven’t…” she sighs, “looked at it as much as I should have.”

He frowns, touching one of the newspaper articles. “I didn’t know you still looked at it at all.”

She smiles at him. He’s wearing the watch, she notices – he hasn’t taken it off since the day he gave it to her. “I guess there’s still some stuff about me you don’t know, Barry Allen.” She sits down in her chair and starts clicking at her computer. “Anyway, what are you doing here? Patty’s not here – she went out to do something with your mom.”

“Yeah, about that,” she says slowly, and Iris looks at him. He looks oddly nervous. “Patty asked me to move in with her.”

Iris has become very good at moulding her facial expressions to stuff like this. When he told her that Jessica wanted him to travel with her for a year after college, she’d been supportive, and she’s kept the façade well enough through Patty. So she manages to nod and smile even though she’s pretty sure she can feel her heart crack. “Big step,” she says. “Are you nervous? What did you say?”

“A little, and I haven’t said anything,” he admits. “I wanted to talk to you first.”

Iris turns to him. “Why would you want to talk to me?” she asks slowly.

“Well, Patty thinks that you, um, might…like me.  _Like_  me, like me. As in more than a friend.”

Shit. Maybe the façade wasn’t so great after all. “Really?” she asks evenly, though her throat is all dry. “Is that what she thinks?”

“It’s dumb, I know…”

And that’s all the confirmation she needs, isn’t it? Iris shrugs. “Well, Patty’s wrong.” She takes off her glasses and begins to clean them, because if she keeps looking at him, she will, she’ll burst into tears. “I mean, if I seem…weird about everything it’s probably because everything’s seemed really fast. For me, I mean. I missed the first three months of your relationship because of the coma, so it’s…yeah. But if you’re happy and you want to move in, then I’m happy too.”

Iris must be going blind, because for a second she thinks he’s…disappointed? But then it disappears “Good. Great,” he says. “That’s what I told her.”

 _I love you, and it’s killing me_.

Iris puts her glasses back on and smiles warmly at him. “Awesome.”

Barry leaves and Iris keeps up the smile until he does. Then she doesn’t realise the tears that have splashed on her hands until the Captain comes in and asks what’s wrong. Iris says it’s just allergies.

***

The prison guard knows her after years of visits, but Iris still has to be searched before she sees her mother. Everyone knows Francine West, the sweet woman with the CSI daughter who always visited and told weird stories about the impossible. She hands her car keys, phone and bag to the guard and sits in front of her mother, regaling her with stories about her life in the past month. Here, at least, she can be herself. Her mother looks good, she notices, as strong as she can be in prison, and she knows that Nora has a friend in here to make sure no one bothers her. Even though nobody ever really bothers Mrs. West.

“…eating much better,” she explains. “Dr. Wells says the lightning just made my metabolism faster, which is amazing for my food bill. I’m eating enough, mom,” she adds, laughing. Her mother sighs.

“You’re my baby girl – can’t I worry?”

“You and Barry worry too much,” she says. “Anyway, where was I? Oh, so my train is on Friday, so I should be there for Christmas Eve. I have a hotel-”

“A hotel? Iris-”

“Mom, I just…” she sighs. “I want some space, okay? This is weird for me. They never came to visit you, or ask about me – the only reason they know I was struck by lightning is because Nora told them.”

Francine holds the phone a little tighter and sighs. “Right. How are they? Nora and Barry?”

“Nora is stressed, with the whole Metahuman Task Force thing, but good. She promised she would come visit you while I was gone. Barry’s good,” she says lightly, adjusting her glasses. “I have your present from him, actually. He’s, um, moving in with his girlfriend, which is nice. And he’s graduating next year, which means I have to find a dress, PhD graduations are long as-”

“Iris West,” her mother sighs, and Iris blinks.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“When are you going to tell that boy that you love him?”

Iris stares at her mother for a full ten seconds before saying anything. “I – You – Mom,” she splutters finally. “I never told you that.”

“You didn’t have to,” her mother laughs. “I’ve always known. Even from when you were small, I knew. It’s been twenty years and he’s still the only boy you talk about.”

Iris looks down at her hands. So that’s Nora, Chesca, Colin, Dr. Wells, Olivia, Freddie, Diggle, Diggle’s ex-husband, Captain Singh probably, Patty, and now her mother. Everyone – _everyone_ – except Barry. “Oh. I…Oh. Look, mom, it’s – complicated-”

“Is it? Iris, you have spent your whole life looking for answers for me, but that meant that you never got to live it. I know I’m stuck in here, but you don’t have to be. You have to move forward, and that means living your life. Tell him how you feel.”

Iris sits back in her chair. “That’s what Chesca said. She said I owe it to him.”

“That may be so, but honey, you also owe it to yourself. You can’t stand still forever – you have to leap.” She smiles. “You can spend your whole life hoping that it’ll get better or that he’ll feel the same way. Or you can do something about it.”

***

Iris’s hands are shaking when she opens the door.

She wishes she had some of Colin’s 500-proof alcohol for courage, but she walked all the way here from the prison before she could talk herself out of it. When she left she sat on a bench, watching the snow fall, wondering what would happen if she did. She thought of watching Barry move in with Patty, and ask to marry her, and have kids with her, all the while not knowing how she felt about him, thinking that she was happy about it. And Iris realised that she _was_ being unfair – to both of them. Because if she let Barry live his life thinking she was someone she wasn’t, it’s as good as lying to him for their whole lives. And if she doesn’t tell him, she’s not letting herself live her life – she’s just waiting for something that _might_ happen.

Iris smiles, her hand on the doorknob. Figures that all it takes is one conversation with your mom to convince you to do the right thing.

Barry is fighting with the tinsel as she walks in, “Christmas Is Leading Me Home” playing in the background. Her heart is thundering in her chest, because this is the last time they’ll ever be just Barry and Iris. Everything will be different afterwards. He grins at her. “Hey, you’re here.” He looks around. “Okay, so mom’s gonna be home in a few hours, so if we hurry we can watch _Home Alone_ and she won’t even know.”

Iris can’t stop _staring_ at him. Maybe it’s the Christmas lights or something, but he looks so much like _her_ Barry, so much like the boy that’s always been her home, that she’s afraid to say anything at all. He frowns at her. “Hey, sunshine, you okay?”

“ _Let it snow…let it snow…_ ”

Iris closes her eyes and reaches for him, wrapping herself around him and enveloping herself in his warmth. His arms come up around her automatically and she lays her head on his chest, savouring this hug, because after this, nothing will be the same anymore. She swallows.

“I love you, Barry,” she breathes out.

“Aw, I love you too,” he says into her hair, and she steps away from him. She didn’t plan anything, but seeing his face, it all rushes out like a dam has broken.

“I remember when we met and you said that you liked my glasses,” she says nervously, laughing as she gestures to them. It’s a sweet memory. “And – and I was in love with you from that moment, even though I couldn’t tell you what love was, and I probably couldn’t spell the word. And then I felt really lucky ‘cause the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen in my whole life wanted to be my best friend, and I got to follow you around all the time.”

Barry’s face is a mask of shock. He mouths her name but no sound comes out, and she gestures to the couch because it feels like the world is about to collapse underneath her.

“You have no idea the amount of times I wanted to tell you,” she continues. She makes herself look at him, so he can see the truth of her. “Every day. It was – it was every day I wanted to tell you, and I always said to myself, ‘Just tell him,  _tell him_ , what’s the worst that could happen?’” She’s crying now, silent tears that slip down as she speaks, and she fights to keep her voice steady. “But I knew what would happen, I could lose you, and I’d already lost my whole family and I didn’t want to lost half of my new one. You and Nora were all that I had and I didn’t want to risk that so I just, I held it in, because I couldn’t lose the most important person in my life.” She takes off her glasses and wipes her eyes, laughing again. “Which is…ironic. Considering.”

Neither of them need to say it, both of them understanding who she means. _Patty_. She wipes her eyes. Barry looks like everything he’s ever known about her is a lie – and in a way, it is. She’s taking away his best friend.

“Listen, Barry, I know I could have told you a hundred times, and it’s not fair to you or to Patty, and I’m not-” she chokes on the words and looks down. Because this is the worst part. When she wanted to tell him originally, it was supposed to be her telling him that she wanted to see if something was there between them, but now she has to say that she knows she can’t have it. That damn explosion.

She swallows and closes her eyes briefly, before continuing, “I’m not expecting anything. I’m not expecting anything at all, and the last thing I’d want is to mess anything up for you. But…But we’re best friends, we tell each other everything, that’s the deal, and I just thought – I just thought you should know. I couldn’t lie about it anymore.” She shrugs helplessly through her tears, which are coming freely now. “I’m sorry.”

Barry’s expression still hasn’t changed from the devastated one he wore when he really started to understand what she was saying. Iris stands and gives him one last look before she leaves, leaning against the door after she’s closed it. She’s said it, it’s out there, and she can’t take it back. Things could change between them, she might have lost the most important person in the world, but she’s told him. She said the words.

 _I love you_.

 _And I am so sorry_.

***

Everyone claps when, a few days later, Nora finally lights the tree. “ _And have yourself a very little Christmas now_ ,” she finishes, and Colin plays the last chord. Chesca whoops.

“Awesome! So, who’s got more of that eggnog?”

“I’ll get you some,” Iris laughs.

“Careful,” Nora says, “that stuff’ll have you dancing on the roof. Right, Barry?”

Iris swallows as Barry looks in their direction and locks eyes with her, before glancing away. “Yeah, Great-Uncle Rudy didn’t really know the meaning of the word ‘light’.”

“Sounds like my kind of guy,” she grins, and Iris goes to get her some. She passes her bags – packed and ready for her journey – in the hallway, as well as the box that had the housewarming plant for Barry and Patty. She had left the house, gone home, cried herself to sleep, and then bought that plant for them, because she promised that she wasn’t expecting anything, and she isn’t. So she has to live up to that, and that means carrying on as if she _weren’t_ in love with Barry. She gets Chesca her eggnog, who gives her a look.

“What’s with you, West?”

“Nothing,” she shrugs. Patty laughs at something that Nora says, and Iris glances at them. Chesca’s face clears.

“Honey, did you…” Iris nods. “How was it?”

“If I talk about it,” she says slowly and with a light laugh, “I will start crying, and that’ll ruin Christmas.”

Her friend gives her a sympathetic look, and then hugs her. “Proud of you, Miss Miracle.”

Iris smiles at her and she goes off to pick on Colin. Then Patty comes over to her, and Iris steels herself, hoping that Barry didn’t tell her immediately. But Patty is smiling. “Iris, thank you so much for that gift,” she says warmly. “It was adorable! It’s the first thing we’re finding a place for.”

“Good, I’m glad,” she says. She can feel Barry’s eyes on her, but then they flicker away. She doesn’t blame him – she must look like a completely different person to him now. “I’m happy for you guys.”

“And thanks for…being so great, about everything,” she says quietly. “I know how much Barry values your opinion, so if he’s agreeing you must have said something.”

“Barry’s lucky,” she says simply. “He deserves the best.”

“Yo, Iris!” Chesca calls, holding up her phone. “Dude, your Uber’s here.”

Barry looks at her, frowning. “You – You’re leaving tonight? I thought you weren’t going until tomorrow.”

“Change of plans,” she explains. “I didn’t want to be stuck on the train while _everyone’s_ trying to get out of Central.”

“Make sure you eat,” Colin says without preamble. “And rest.”

“God, Dr. Frost, give it a rest!” She hugs Iris. “Merry Christmas, Iris.”

She hugs everyone goodbye, even Barry, but even that feels different. “Call me,” Nora says firmly. “When you get there.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she smiles. “Merry Christmas, everyone.”

Iris makes it outside and has her suitcase in the trunk before Barry calls her name. He’s run out of the house in nothing but a shirt and jeans. “Barry, it’s freezing and you’re not wearing a jacket, go back inside-”

“I’m fine,” he says quickly. He searches her face, brows knitted, and then sighs. Since she told him, she’s had her phone open on her messages in case he wanted to talk. Every so often, those little blue dots would pop up onscreen, like he was typing something, but then they’d disappear. Iris imagines those little blue dots chasing themselves around in his head right now. “I – I would have still taken you to the station, Iris-”

“I know. I’m just…” she sighs, and just says it. “I don’t need to break my own heart any more than I already have, Barry. And I didn’t want to make things awkward.”

He nods silently. “Do you have everything?”

“I’ve got everything.”

“And you have Uncle Rudy’s number? If there’s an emergency? Because we’ll come get you.”

“I know, Barry.”

He looks off down the street, his breath coming in puffs of smoke. “Barry,” she says, and he looks at her. She sighs, giving him a small, sad smile. “It’s not your fault. It happens.”

Before he can say anything else the driver knocks on the door. “I’ll text you both when I’m on the train,” she says, turning away from him.

“Wait,” he says. She looks back at him. He looks like he wants to hug her, but they both know everything is still too raw. He looks down at his shoes, then back at her. “Merry Christmas, Iris."

“Merry Christmas, Barry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, right after this Iris gets kidnapped by the villain and Barry loses his mind with worry about it.


End file.
